A practical guide to support
Some concrete actions you can take to help a loved one dealing with depression
One of the reasons I am writing this blog is realizing that after doing everything I was supposed to do (therapy, new hobbies, investing in friends, working out, seeking new professional opportunities etc), I still feel crushingly depressed. I’ve learned that when you think you’ve done everything you can, and everything people usually recommend, your community can struggle to know what to do or say and hold back not out of a lack of care, but simply because they don’t know what else to do.
Disclaimer - I cannot underscore enough: I am not a mental health professional, this is not an authoritative list, but it feels irresponsible to write a blog about depression without offering some tools and resources that those living with or supporting people through depression might find useful.
Here are bits and pieces of lessons I’ve learned - both as someone living with depression and as someone who has supported multiple people through crisis. I hope they help you or someone you love.
First, some important reminders:
Everyone needs to individually make the decision to live.
As a starting point, it’s important to remember that you cannot make the decision to fight on behalf of someone else. Your loved one needs to be prepared to put in the work and it can be painful to watch them struggle to get there. That being said, reminding someone in crisis that they are loved and valued, in whatever state they’re in, can be what they need to keep going through the dark moments.Social support is not a substitute for, but a complement to professional support.
Support from those who love you is a powerful and beautiful thing, but it does not replace professional support. Get a therapist / support your loved one in finding one (some resources for this shared below).
Finally, don’t offer support you are not prepared to give: know that it is a big thing to love someone truly.
Progressive language is everywhere and lots of people now know what they’re supposed to say even if they have not reflected on whether they mean those words. Some of the worst days I’ve had were triggered by a (minority of) people in my life that vowed they were able to be there for me, and who I counted as dear friends, that in the end did not actually have the capacity to share truly vulnerable intimacy. On those days, it felt that they confirmed that my depression-driven self-loathing, the fear that I was not worth fighting for, was a reality. It is tough to do the internal work to figure out whether you can support someone else, and it can be very painful to realize that you cannot but it is kinder and more responsible to only offer love to the capacity you have to give it.
Next, a listicle of actions and resources:
Find a mental health services provider:
Kenya resources - list of providers curated by Kenyan blogger and influencer, Terembe.
US resources -
Headway: nationwide care navigator
Octave Group (CT, CA, FL, NY, NJ, TX, DC) [my provider & I’ve loved worthing with my therapist here]
Try race-specific navigators like: Therapy for Black Girls or Therapy for Black Men
Look out for local-led community care resources, like Sista Afya in Chicago
Create a safety plan (or encourage your loved one to). Here’s a template.
Send love letters. I have received so many this year from friends who have known how hard it’s been, and they have offered me so much solace.
Hold your loved one. Sometimes, it’s not words but company that can make all the difference. If your loved one is struggling, find them and hold them.
Affirm them often. Depression can make you feel like you’re “too much,” so you isolate waiting for the day you “feel better” but sometimes, the push you need out of a bad spell is remembering you are loved for all of you. Tell your loved ones that you’re there for all of it, even when all of it is messy or sad.
Fight the urge to fix, and know your presence and patience are often enough. Especially when you’re supporting someone who has the core pieces in place (a mental health provider, a safety plan, a schedule that keeps them from self-destructive behavior etc), throwing more suggestions at the problem can feel frustrating. Remind your loved one that they are brave, and that you’re there for the journey.
Don’t ask if they’re “feeling better,” ask how they’re doing. Every day I don’t feel better, I am angry with myself. I wonder how much longer I’ll stay this dull killjoy. But this journey is not linear, I will feel hopeful and powerful for a week, and then turn off my phone and lay in bed for multiple days. I know slowly, the work gets easier and the good days start to outnumber the bad. In the meantime, it’s nice to know my loved ones aren’t counting down the days until I am “recovered.”
Build communities of support. Know that taking care of each other is often a group effort, and it can be a difficult weight to carry alone. Work with your loved one to build a community of support that allows a number of you to share the load of checking in and reminding your loved one, and each other, how powerful community can be.
NOTE: I have intentionally left out emergency numbers and helplines here because my own experience with resources that are widely re-shared has been difficult. However, emergency services can be a crucial and life-saving resource for anyone in crisis so I encourage you to work with a mental healthcare provider to identify things in your area that will work for you or your loved one(s).